my sisters under your porch take her home
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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