I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
