did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
