oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
