nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
