when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
