Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
