She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
