apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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