Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize