This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize