i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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