I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
