Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize