waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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