I wish I could teleport
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize