u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
