i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
