She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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