1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
