i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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