i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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