Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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