Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
