Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sext me about skeletons
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
