K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
