Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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