I want to walk on stilts...naked
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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