Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
