She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
