where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
