it's too hot outside to masturbate.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
