I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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