1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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