So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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