my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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