Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
