Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
