When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
