Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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