You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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