It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
