I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
