Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
