Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
