im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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