I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
