At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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