next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
