I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
