I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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