You just made me feel so damn special
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
