I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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