If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
They took my balls.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
