We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
