i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
