I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
