I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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