I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize