i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she looked like the before picture.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
