Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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