I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
