i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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