now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Best friends brother. Beat that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
