I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
