Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
