Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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