yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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