I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize